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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"