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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Happy people don`t take long showers.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.