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I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?