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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...