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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Remember when the world ended last year?
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.