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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.