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Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...