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Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.