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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!