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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener