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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.