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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.