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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.