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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
The older I get the better I used to be.