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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
morning i hate girls evening i need girls