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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally