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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I never finish anyth...............
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.