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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...