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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Insert coin to view my status message.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.