Daily Silly Status

All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.

Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?

We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.

I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.

I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.

My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.

*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be

Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"