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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.