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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"