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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.