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Happy people don`t take long showers.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.