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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.