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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.