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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!