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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.