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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.