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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!