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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.