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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.