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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.