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If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
with great power...comes great electric bill...
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.