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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!