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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.