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Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.