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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.