Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.