Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?