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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.