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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.