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I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.