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Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.