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Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
My brain has too many tabs open.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them