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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.