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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
It`s no fun if you have permission.