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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Relationship Status: eating
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.