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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.