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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.