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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.