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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.