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I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.