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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.