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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!