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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
The less you know, the more you think you do.