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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."