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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?