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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!