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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...