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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.