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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.