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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!