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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
You are wasting your time reading this status.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.