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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.