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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.