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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.