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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.