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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"