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The black sheep always have the best stories.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.