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It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married