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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.