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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.