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Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?