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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..