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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.