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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.