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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."