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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden