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I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.