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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.