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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`