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They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.