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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!