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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?