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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.