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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.