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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”