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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.