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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?