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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.