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The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.