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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.