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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.