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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused