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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.