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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.