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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.