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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.