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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?