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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Iām actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.