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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.