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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.