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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.