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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...