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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.