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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.