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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.