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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.