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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.