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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Marriage tip: Don`t
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.