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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.