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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.