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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".