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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
Smelling another person should be a choice.