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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.