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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I just called. To say. I texted you.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
My cardio is shopping.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100