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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.