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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.