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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.