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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.