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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.