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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.