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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.