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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.