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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.