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I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.