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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted