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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
bras are booby-traps
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.