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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner