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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.