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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.