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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”