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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.