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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.