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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
The secret to success is in my bra.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.