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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.