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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.