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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.