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It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.