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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.