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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.