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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Tieam... problem solved