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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore