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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
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I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.