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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.