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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)