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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?