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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
only 9530 days until retirement.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake