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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs