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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
My life is loosely based on a true story.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.