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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.