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Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My memory foam has amnesia
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!