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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.