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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.