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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!