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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.