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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.