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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`