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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.