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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.