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I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.