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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Being normal is boring.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.