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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.