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OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.