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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.