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That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.