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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.