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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.