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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.