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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!