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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.