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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>